If there’s one thing my friends can all agree on, it’s the fact that I will never be able to escape the awkward moments that seem to trail every waking moment of my life. So of course you can imagine, as I thrust myself into this Spanish culture, trying to keep up with learning the two local languages at once, there were some minor mishaps and miscommunications along the way. Beforehand, I downloaded Google Translate’s Spanish Dictionary to my phone to have handy when I get lost, hungry, or drunk, and this is usually all within an hour’s time. Anywho, here are the top 3 times Google Translate ruined my life, destroyed my fleeting street cred, and made me consider reactivating my Yahoo account from 2004.

INCIDENT #1

So it was my first couple weekends in the city and I was going to a lot of bars social gatherings to meet fellow expats and locals. And I soon realized being surrounded by these foreign and amazingly fluent modern heroes was exhausting, and to both understand and keep up with conversations, I really needed to develop an understanding of the language. Even at the most basic level, I struggled. Rosetta Stone's redundancy made me want to hurt small animals (PETA, please empathize for a minute), and Duolingo was great for vocabulary, but not so much for the spoken level I wanted to achieve. So a friend advised that I start doing language exchanges with locals. Sounded reasonable enough. Help someone with their English while they help you with your Spanish, usually accompanied by a beer or five two to help you deal with the fact that a native speaker will laugh at and judge your every mistake.

So I was mingling and whatnot one night, and I was talking to a guy, and by talking I mean championship-level charades and questionable-looking sign language. He spoke 2% of my language and I spoke 2% of his. Perfect. The productivity and depth of our conversation was at the level of a toddler’s, yet we managed to chat for almost an hour. Got a great vibe from him and thought he'd make a good first language exchange partner. But I accidentally asked in all my freudian slippage if he'd like to "exchange tongues”, and after a chuckle and him realizing I meant "exchange languages" he leaned in for the kill. Life is ironic, but I suppose we both got what we asked for? Lol, aaaaaand moving on...

INCIDENT #2

Over the summer I did English classes with groups of as many as 10 kids, and ranging from the ages of five to eleven. So you can imagine the tantrums, butt-flashing, and overall chaos that comes in those glorious years. Well, as these kids spoke a little slower than adults, it was easier to sometimes learn from them and mimic their phrases. There was a phrase I always heard the kids say and I wasn't 100% sure of what it meant, but the accented vowel needed to be enunciated to prevent me from saying a completely different thing. The phrase I tried to mimic sounded like "Que pah-ree!" Which, in context, seemed to mean "Stop already!" Or "Enough!" A very relevant and useful phrase for the rascals in this clan. Well when that glorious moment came to let out my newfound bilingualnessnessess (ha), I ended up pronouncing it wrong and the expression I instead shouted for all the neighborhood to hear was "What, I gave birth!" Oh, my life.

INCIDENT #3

This last one is one I regularly use (mostly on purpose) because of how ridiculously embarrassed it made me the first time I said it. When someone asks you if you're okay, and you're wanting to insinuate that you're fine, saying "Estoy buena" is NOT the way to go about that. Haha. This is more or less interpreted as a sexual advance that you're "good" at "fill in the blank" (but please don't). Then I accidentally said it while flirting talking to this guy. This happened immediately after he asked where I was from, and although I understood him perfectly, I instead replied with my name. To this day, I'm sure he's wondering what state the city of Gloria is located. And what is it she’s so “good” at. Being AWKWARD. That’s what.

But I can look back on these and laugh now, as I just crossed the 4-month mark of living in Spain. It’s recently dawned on me how much growth I’ve truly experienced with my Spanish level, as I find myself having conversations of more depth and less parading around miming out actions. I think it’s easy to feel discouraged and overwhelmed when you surround yourself with nothing but fluent speakers. I’m not gonna lie, every now and then, I hang out with my non-Spanish-speaking friends just to boost my ego and do all the ordering of food when we go out. Ego aside, I can’t tell you how reassuring it is to pull words out of my ass (#BreakTheDictionary) and actually have a person understand me and respond in a manner in which they think I’m a fluent speaker myself. But I then, of course, crumble and run away back to the comfortable lands of speaking like a Native American (cue the tapping hand over mouth). Usually. Oh, and not to mention that one time I told a little girl she was tasty, when in fact, I was referring to her Nutella sandwich. The look I got from a nearby mom both humiliated and terrified me. Who wants to help me get my life together?

If you’ve got any tips, apps, or tricks that helped you in learning your second language, please do share away and feel free to connect with me on any of the following social mediums! Thanks for reading!

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